Confessions of an Optimist

Sigh.. today's been all right, I guess... been doing a lot of thinking.....

the whole day was spent on Curtin campus...
Malaysian & Moral studies classes...
both classes had been quite interesting... though I feel SO tired... physically.. and maybe mentally too..
but somewhere along the day... I got a hard hit emotionally...
well... I suppose I needed it.. was going too far ahead of myself....
that hit left me to slow down quite some... left me thinking about myself... me...
I don't know... the future is so hard for me to predict... my fantasies so often block the future from my vision...
I so wonder.. what I've done in the past to lead me to such hard experiences..
or.. what my future holds that requires me to experience these darn hardships...

Recently, I finally realised why I'm an attention seeker..
I've to admit truthfully.. when it came to such things as friendship, personal problems, etc... I often know what needs to be done or what ought to be done...
well... that particular part of my knowledge is acceptably good at least...
and being such an idiotic and stubborn optimist that I am... I don't stay pessimistic for too long or will be able to find the bright side of things soon enough...
so.. when things start to go against me.. I often am able to get over them....
but... that's the thing... where's the fun in it or what's so great about it... if no one realises/knows/notices what you've done...

my family, I have to say... aren't so observant of my life... either that, or I just don't seem to let them in on how I've been...
my brother and sister that are still here in Miri... just seem to only focus on my bad side....
Sister "So rich lah! Buy this, buy that!"
Brother "Go to campus do what? get something from the lecturer... then what? go out with friends, ah!"
darn people.... I so envy those who are able to love their siblings so much...
I just can't find myself to love them that dearly.... I especially dislike my brother..
Yeah sure... he's elder than me.. but that doesn't make him more superior!
orders me to do things for him around the house... when he so easily could've done them himself..
"get my hp upstairs", "help me turn on the tv", etc..
he's even lazy to get the remote control sometimes.. darn fellow...
and really! He even insulted my friends as idiots, just for saying that "he looked like me"!! saying that it should be "I looked like him"!!
I know it's correct what he said, but come on!! People are used to saying it in that order!!
If you were with your close friend.. and then you first met his elder brother or sister.. surely you'll be more used to saying that the brother/sister looks like your close friend!!
only if you're so detail-conscioused then you'll rethink your words!
darn fellow...

well... whatever lah... like as if I care so much about that fellow...
my sister... so dislike her (though not too often) teasings... so sharp, it pierces painfully...
no point arguing with her.... just makes her continue her teasings even piercingly...

my mother is the greatest in my family.. love her the most... but sometimes she too can get annoying... I've to admit....
I know she cares about me a lot.. but she makes herself too worried all the time...
Out with my group of close friends for too long in the night, say nearing midnight, she'll call me and demand that I go home at that moment...
putting me on a 'too short' leash, in other words.. to my distaste...


I don't know... so many things inside me that I left inside myself... so many things inside me so many people around me are not able to see....
you know how sometimes, you just have this desire to share some things/emotions/feelings with others...
I don't know... I always want someone, especially my close friends, to notice something about me...
when they don't... I feel a little be saddened...
but when they do.. I don't share it with them... or at least... most of the time...

I don't know... it's just been me who's just not showing others what's inside me...
I don't know... my life is so complicated some times... or maybe I just made things complicated or even deceptively complicated..
I don't know... sometimes I just hate my life.. yet sometimes I love how I'd ended up...
I don't know... I sometimes it's so hard to live a life like mine...
I don't know... with so many things still left brewing inside of myself, it's no wonder that I'll have a short life, according to palmology....

I just don't know... sometimes... my life just seems so.... painfully difficult to go through...
it's no wonder why I so enjoy playing role-playing games.. let's me enjoy myself outside my own life....
let myself.. enjoy the wonders of fantasy... and imagination... how I so wish that I can have a life of such....