Dark Thoughts, Deep Sorrow

I don know how to start this..
Thoughts just keep coming in...
All bad ones....
So bad that even my imagination is going mad....

Thinking back at the car accident.. I suppose it was bad luck for me that I was not injured in any physical way...
Now that I think about it... I'd rather have been injured seriously in the accident than walk out of it only shakened.
I wish I was brought to the hospital for some reason cause of the accident... broken leg? a concussion? something... anything.. better than how I am now...

I'm such a loser... such a pathetic person... such a pitiful liar...

A seeker of attention... good attention...
any bad attention and I run away like a coward that I am...
any bad attention and I have my tail between my leg...
any bad attention.... and I become worse...
I'm such a self-pampered person..
When people praise me.. I feel like I've done the greatest thing in the world...
When people compliment me... I pretend like as if I am humble...
When people said they like me to be around... I feel so special...

All lies....

When people praised me... it was only over small things... no big...
Orientation... Benet thanked me for being so hardworking with that...
hmph.. anyone could've done it... I barely did anything special... I was just there all the time.. that's all....
When people complimented me... they were just making me feel good.. or making fun of me...
People said I have good looks... hell... as if... I hate looking at myself in the mirror... ugly bugger...
When people said they like me to be around... they didn't know who they were saying it to...
They think that I'm a fun person to be with... that it's nice to be with me cause I smile a lot... some said I am funny.. and friendly..
hell...
I'm not any of that... I smile out of habit now... whether happy or sad...
I'm not a fun person... No one enjoys talking to me... I'm not at all an interesting person to talk with... Everyone is turned off to talk with me....
I'm not a funny guy... I can NEVER pull a joke... I can only pull a good laugh at OTHER people's jokes... my voice can kill even the funniest of jokes...
I'm not friendly... I just want to make friends so I feel popular and wanted...

But I'm never wanted....
Practically no one cares about me....
Even the person I cared and still care the most doesn't care about me...

"People do care about you.."

Right.. they care about that 'Zack Tiang' that they think they know...
the one that is always smiling...
the one that is always laughing with them...
the one that is carefree and practically happy-go-lucky...
the one that is shown while the real one stays cowering somewhere in the subconscious...
the one that is known as 'Zack' or 'Tiang' to so many....


I'm such a hypocrite...
I'm such a liar....
Maybe I just don't care....
Maybe I just don't care about anyone but myself....
I only look out for others cause of my own interests...
Maybe I've been following the rules of egoism all this time.... without admitting it...
Maybe what some say is true...
Maybe I am a show off...
I just didn't want to admit that I am by justifying my actions...

Just a selfish bastard... caring only myself...

Stupid brother....
always bothering me....
Harvard Referencing also look for me to do for him....
LEARN IT YOURSELF, IDIOT!
as if I know completely about Harvard Referencing...
not only that, the articles he had don't even state the title or authors obviously... sheesh....
and even ask me what title am I asking about...... stupid idiot...

Stupid.. now he made me lost what I wanted to b*!#h about... sheesh...


Sigh....
Maybe I do what I do...
wanting to be accepted by people...
making as many 'friends' as I could...
being close to the person I cared most....
all that because I've been feeling alone....
not alone as in deprived of that special partner...
but alone as in no one cares about me....

"I have those kinda feelings too! But I just don't care about them!"

You have your own desires... and I have my own...
The things you hold of value is different from what I hold of value...
I hold my friends with very much value... cause they've showed me care that I desire...
It is just depressing when I think that that care is gone now...
I just hate myself for what I lack... the skills that I envy so much in others...
to hell with 'be yourself' advises... I want to change myself for the better...
but I just don know how to improve myself in that way... in the way that I would gain those skills...

I envy those who are able to interact with anyone... like Sara, Abel...
they just seem to know how to communicate... they just seem to know what to talk about all the time...
Everytime when I'm with my friends... they're the ones talking a whole lot, while I just listened...
I am always the one listening.... When I speak... I just kill the atmosphere...
Everytime when I'm alone with a friend... we wouldn't be able to talk much.... cause I just don't know what to talk about or talk more about one subject/topic...
If my friend tries to start a topic, my straightforward answer just kills the topic instantly...

I envy those who can easily make people laugh.... like Iqbal, Ian...
I couldn't pull a good laugh out of people, even if it was the funniest joke in the world...
Thanks to my cursed voice... the cursed voice that is purported to make me sound emotionless/monotonous/lifeless...
As hard as I try to make it more lively, with the control of volume and emphasis of words, people still take my voice as expressionless...
It just discourages me to keep trying everytime....

I envy those who people can't resist being friends with... like Kimberley, Genesis...
It's like it comes easy for them..
They just be themselves and people just come to them, wanting to be friends.
Unlike me... people only say 'Hi' to me and then disappear....
they add me on Friendster or MSN or Ringo or wherever.. but never bother getting to know me better...

Speaking of MSN... how many contacts I have in there?
I have 135 contacts in there.... and there are usually about 20 of them online on average whenever I am online...
and guess how many comes to chat with me on average? only 3 or less....
before there will always be ONE that bothers to greet and talk to me whenever I come online... but not anymore.... not since she stopped caring...
Anyway.. besides that... every once a while, they'd be people who come and chat with me... (sometimes hours later after both of us had been onlined together)
and you know why they come to chat with me?
cause they wanted to enquire about something or need me to help them with something...
after that... they then go silent...
I always try to be the last one to reply... even if it is just a smiley or a short laugh...
That's why I can tell that people don't enjoy talking to me... cause I'm not interesting enough to hold their attention to keep talking to me...
either that or they just dislike me...
I'm not even sure how many contacts in my list that I've never seen come online on my list before... maybe many have me blocked even....

Not only that... people do visit my blogs... I know there are... otherwise my blog visitor count wouldn't always hit such high numbers..
but how many new messages or comments do you see appear?
Minusing those that were my own... probably an average of three per month...
and this is after I left messages to ask my visitors to leave a message or comment...
no one ever bothers...


I just want to be cared about...
Am I demanding too much?
Is my desire to know that my friends care about me too much to ask for?
Am I being greedy?

Some people know that I am desperate...
yeah, so what if I am desperate to find that special partner...
It's just that it seems to me that that's the only person that would be able to show me.. assure me... that I am cared about... and make me feel more secured...
I can't live to be a lonely man or person... I need the care of people around me to continue living happily...
I never get that at home.... at least.. only a little and that's only from my mother and my eldest sister (who is residing at KL and rarely here)..
My other sister is a self-centered woman and my brother is constantly without his 'r'... meaning he's a bother if you didn't get it...
That's why I hold so much value to my friends than my own immediate family...
cause they're the only people I could count for to show me the care that I, admittedly, crave for...

that's the reason for my actions...
whether justifiable or not..
whether forgivable or not..
whether reasonable or not...
that is my reason... for doing what I do...