The Closure of My 'Love Never To Be' Chapter

I wanna tell all of you readers something... Something that has been going on in my life for a very long time.
Some of you might have known or at least suspected, that I was in love with someone.
I'm dedicating this blog to her. It just seems so hard to tell her all of this, in person.
Things just seemed to keep coming up and made me unable to tell her everything that goes or went on in my head all this while.
So, the best way for me to do that is blog about it, cause I'm sure she'll eventually get to read this, and then she'll finally know everything that I've been feeling or thinking all those while.
I just felt that she should know them.... before I close this chapter of my life.


I fell for you for the past two and a half months, did you ever realise that? Felt like a whole lot longer for me.
It's amazing really for me. It's a whole new record. All my past crushes never lasted past a month. I don't know why, but the relationship between you and I were different... different than any that I've ever had in my life.

During all this time that I've tried to be closer to you, we've had our ups and many downs.
I've always been so annoying to you, huh?
But then again, I've always got to feel your stinging coldness, too.
I've always tried to show you how much I cared about you, but often times, you just brushed me off so quickly. Then again, maybe it's just cause of the plain fact that I'm such an annoying person.
You always said that I couldn't handle you, if we ever got into a relationship. Maybe that's true, but so far I know, I've always been able to endure you. No matter how hurtful you sometimes were to me, I still wanted to be with you all the same.
It's hurts a lot, to think that the person you cared about so so much, doesn't care about you in the same way. Honestly, that's how I felt a lot of times, and yet I still held on.


Speaking of holding on, how many times have I tried to stop being close to you, but yet still held on to that feeling? Five? Four? Haha, I've lost count already along the way.
I'm still quite amazed that I fell for you so much. I guess you can say this is the first time I actually felt how it is like to fall deep in love with someone.
You were a first for a lot of things for me, as I told you before...

First girl I couldn't let go off so easily.
First girl I've gotten so close with all my life.
First girl that got me to feel so much hurt until at some points, it just felt numb in my heart.
First girl that I've 'chased' for so long; two and a half months.
First girl that I keep chatting with online until very late at night, practically every night.
First girl that I keep 'sms'ing with practically every day.
First girl to ever said that she missed me out of the blue.
First girl that I've ever had such a complicated relationship with.
First girl that my friends actually kept teasing me about.
First girl that I had to 'fight' so hard over with.
There's probably some more firsts, but I just can't think of them right now.

Speaking of 'fighting' over her, maybe I know the reason why I kept holding on to you so strongly. 'Cause of all the 'competition' I had to put up with for your affection.
One love triangle, two ex's... few more admirers... You've NO idea how popular you are, girl. Haha!
You have that effect. Haha. Boys regret letting you go. Other boys are so easily attracted to you for some reason. Could be that personality of yours. Boys probably find your personality very attractive. *Shrugs*
I don't know if I'm just feeling too proud of myself or what, but I just felt that I was the closest to you in this 'competition'.
Maybe I'm terribly wrong and just... 'perasan' too much.
But either way, I'm still glad that I got to be close to you.


Remember last night when we got to dance together at Eastwood Valley.
I finally got to tell you that "I loveD you."
And you were like... "I don't know whether I should be glad or insulted!"
Haha. You this, girl.
I'm very grateful that you agreed to dance with me. I needed it.
I would've been happier if you had accepted to be my date for last night, but fine.
Recently, we gotten quite tense and more uncomfortable with one another. I knew for sure both of us didn't want that to continue.
That's why I asked for one date and one dance. I just wanted the night with you so that I could close this chapter of my life and then we can be good friends after.
But you were so reluctant to accept me as your date, despite how persistent I was to keep asking you.
I wonder how many messages I sent you yesterday, just to beg you to be my date. But you never agreed, still.
I felt somewhat disappointed, but I never held any grudge, whatsoever at you for that decision.
At least, you granted me one dance that night. I was very happy for that.


We had our arguments. We upset one another. I annoyed you in several occasions. You disappointed me in several occasions.
But despite all that, we always were still able to stay as good friends, which I still can't quite think of how we did it... but we did.


I loved you a lot in those times, and maybe I still hold some hope of a chance of a relationship with you, honestly. But at least I don't hold it like as if it'd be the end of my life if I don't.

I would've done anything to see you happy. And actually... I still do and will.

I cared about you a lot all these while, and I still do just as much, no matter what.

You can still tell me anything.



Always remember that...




ADDED: I forget to add. This girl...
Whoever the guy that ends up with you...
I'll tell you... from the bottom of my honest heart... The guy is one lucky fellow.
But that guy had better be able to make you happy. That's all I want in the guy that gets to your heart.

Take care, girl.
Love you,
tiang