Balancing act going bad??

"Contrary to popular opinion, 'balance' itself isn't your specialty. In fact, you most often find yourself in extremely unbalanced situations. It's 'restoring balance' that you're famous for -- a talent you'd never learn if you were constantly in even, balanced circumstances. That said, the power-struggles on the agenda won't bother you nearly as much as others might think they will. You may even -- no, you will even -- enjoy the challenge."

Interesting.. read this from Friendster Horoscope for October 21st, 2005..
finally... something in the horoscope that really tells me a lot about my zodiac sign... Libra..
and I can believe practically instantly..


Why does my life have to be so depressing?
I hate to keep thinking so much and keep picking up signals and meanings from what people say that aren't there....
I always find myself reading beyond what people say..... especially those that are close and dear friends to me...
Why do I 'perasan' so much...?

Just today, someone said something to me in a joking manner...
I knew she was... but yet I still continued reading beyond that... and started thinking all sorts of reasons why she'd say that.
From hidden feelings of despising me... to hidden motive to insult me... sigh...
Just completely rock bottomed my mood for the rest of the day...

anyway... let's talk about something in the past first... not that it has anything to do with what I just mentioned just now...
just something that I wanted to write down into my history.
The John Curtin Charity Month (JCCM) Launching...
It happened just yesterday..

It first started with a Blood Donation Drive from 9 in the morning til 12 noon.
I chose to look over here while Aylwin, the project coordinator, took care of things at the cafeteria.. preparing for the JCCM launching..
the venue for the drive was at the Administration and Library building's lobby.
the chairs, tables, etc were set ready there the other night... which was also the time we did much of the venue preparation at the cafeteria and a run-through of the JCCM launching program...
The Red Crescent Society came and prepared with the equipments for the drive... everything was set and ready slightly after 9am...
I was amongst the first few to donate my blood...
unlike the last time I donated my blood.. this time it was slightly more painful... maybe cause the needle was placed in an uncomfortable position... or my arm...
besides that.. last time I had trouble passing the Blood pressure test... it was my first time...
this time.. I was hella calm taking the test and passed it immediately...

After the blood donation drive was nearly finished... I joined at the cafeteria for the launching..
before we started the launching... we had Abel announced to everyone about the death of Datin Paduka Seri Endon Mahmood and give a minute of silence to pay respect to her.
We then proceeded with a welcoming dance, speeches, a band performance by Innumerable Judgment, cha cha and rock & roll dance, another band performance by Azie as well as Jimmy featuring Desmond..
We also had a little sketch about the life of John Curtin.. directed by Ian.
I honestly am not too clear on the details... though the basic idea of why Curtin continue this John Curtin Charity is because this man had contributed much to the Australians in terms of humanity.

It was a tiring week this week...
dance practises... the venue preparation for the two events... the rehearsal that eve... constant late nights and early mornings..
plus for me, Aylwin, Iqbal & Daryll... campaigning for the Student Council 2006 election..
The end of the week.. Friday.. today... things just seemed to slow down a lot...
and I can dare label today as a 'Lazy day' for me...
think about it..
I felt sleepy most of the time...
During a meeting with Adrian Daniel of the Catholic Students Society, he even suggest a sleepign meeting since he mentioned everyone including himself felt sleepy that day.. haha!
I was barely moving around campus much.. most of the time at the cafeteria..
when my brother smsed me to drive back home at 4pm cause he needed to coem to campus, I was like 'damn! so lazy to drive back!'

and yeah... yesterday and today makes it the second and third time I drove to campus since that accident of mine... and in both times, I didn't drive in the dark of the night..
I've not been driving a lot... yesterday makes it nearly one week after the first time I drove since the accident...
It's been four weeks since that accident now... if I'm not mistaken.
I'm slowly getting more comfortable with driving.. but I don know about driving at night time yet...
Everytime I'm in a car on the road at night, I always imagined that scene of crashing into the back of the car in front..
I need a wood with me now...otherwise what I imagine might just happen... *touch wood*

Hmm... on another case...
just recently been in a terrible argument with a friend of mine.
I feel so bad to say this... but that fellow is just so self-centered and ultimately close-minded!!
He thinks he is always right and no one understand what he's saying..
He talks as if he knows a hell of a lot more than others..
During our argument, he always says I'm confusing myself.

HOW CAN I, IDIOT!? YOU'RE THE ONE TRYING TO CONFUSE ME!!

In his arguments, he always use unrelated topics to support his points.
take for example.. something we argued very recently..
that song selections are important when it comes to band performances... that was his main conclusion..
he supported it with American Idol...
contestants for American Idol need to choose the right song to sing according to the genre of the week... the genre of each week is set by the competition...
problem is... that was a pre-fix genre... concerts are not pre-fix... you decide on your own songs to perform as a band!
Not only that, the audience you are facing may have different preferences of songs from each other. You can't possibly have one song to satisfy all of their preferences and grab their attention.
That was why I kept emphasizing on how you should sing and perform the music well, rather than only think of the song selections for a particular event...
Besides that... you can always alter a song from genre to genre to suit the concert or audience... hence why you have a band and that you're musicians!

This guy may be a musician... but heck i think he is so unaware of such things...
Me and my friends told him about how he should sing according to his vocal limitations... he said he did...
We then reminded him to do so during practise... he said he did..
We then reminded him not to try doing so during the actual performance!
I don know how often he practised.. cause I don't think he ever got to realise the problem of his singing that particular song that day...
Everyone said he was shouting instead of singing.. he thought otherwise...

Boy.. did you ever realise that when you hear yourself sing, your singing sounds a hell of a lot different from what other people hear...

That was something I was shocked to find out, when I got to record my voice...
and I wasn't singing too when I did... fyi...

This guy is kinda out of my league when it comes to arguments... I have to say...
I never said that song selections when it comes to band performances are not important... I just stated they're not completely necessary.
If I mentioned my reasonings, you readers may start to think I'm being a self-righteous show-off..
I'm just defending myself from his wrongful discriminating.
as if I never got what he was trying to say...
Whenever he said a point and then says that I don't get his point, and he explains further about his point... I always realised that it was exactly what I thought he meant...

who's the one not looking from other people's view, huh?

I'm kind of empathic... meaning I can somewhat put myself in other people's shoes and walk in them for a little.
It was a skill I manage to nurture without realising it when I was still young and naive and since my secondary school, if I'm not wrong..
It's hard to be empathic all the time... as recent events with another somebody has made me realise...
for some reason, my empathy when it came to her is always lost and I get myself into loads of messed up trouble and usually end up annoying/frustrating her... sigh.... hate being a nuisance..

anyway, back to my 'closed-minded' friend...
just last night a few of us threw a hard slap into this guy's face... I threw the hardest at him amongst us all..
I have to say this... I felt like such a badass last night..
All I said to him was hard and cold.. though each time I did, it was meant for him to realise something (which he never did as usual)..
Our big slap at him was how bad he sang that day...
we tried to convince him that we are telling him how bad his singing was so that he can get to know his weakness and possibly improve from there...
BUT NOOO!! Rather unprofessionally, he took it so emotionally!
Saying he'd quit singing for any occassion.. or anywhere... or ever again for that matter!
He kept stressing that he was not ok...
I tried to help him out... I tried to show him that people still care about him and that he didn't have to be so down in the dump/slum...
I mentioned about it over and over.. but he had already completely shut himself out from everyone with a cursed wall!!
I even told him that I was trying to reach out and pull him out of his damned sorrow.. but NOOO! He continued to refuse my help! or anyone else's!

That then just ticked me off and that was when my hardest hits came at him...
being so emotional already, he then said he's gonna opt for suicide... drinking rat poison...
idiot...
all this was happening through MSN, mind you..
He was like.. before he drinks the poison, he would like to thank all sorts of people... thanking all of them for doing good things for him... even those earlier that was giving him bad comments... all except me...
he actually thanked me for 'f***ing up his life'....
hmph.. he actually thought that was gonna hit my conscious...?

sorry la, boy... I didn't make you go for suicide. You decided to yourself.
Besides, I did it all so that you would realise your weakness... not so that you'd stop living again.

That decision of his to commit suicide... to me... 100% proved to everyone (and should to himself) how close-minded, selfish/self-centered, emotional/unprofessional, and worst of all, inconsiderate he was.
Come on... before he went on to drink the poison.. I deliberately mentioned for him to think about his family and friends before he does...
I was hoping that by doing so, he'd realise that what he was doing was being VERY VERY inconsiderate and unfair to them...
but he chose to ignore me....

What else could I have done?
I tried over and over to get him to turn around and look at the situation differently...
I tried hard to make him realise his stupidity and self-centeredness...
I tried to pull him out of his dark depth of sorrow...
but all the time he ignored, refused and not listened...

No one can say I was hurting him on purpose.... cause I tried to help him out after my hard slaps...
No one can blame me for his act of commiting suicide... cause he made that decision himself..
No one can say what I did was completely wrong... though partially wrong cause I wasn't being patient enough... but then again.. he was being deliberately stubborn with me...

So... hate me... despise me... cause of what I did...
it's your choice...
Please do leave a comment if you've something to say to me...
I don't mind being countered if I am wrong... or.. at least perceived as wrong.